so this is my safe place to vent about him...
i love him yet cant stand him
i have no idea why im with him sometimes,
he pisses me off to no end...
He'll not answer his phone when hes a hundred miles away
because hes playing a videogame...
im worth more than this..
why do i put up with it?
its just the times everything is ok, its really ok
but then he reverts back to his old self, not caring
i hate it, i hate it, i hate it,
i dont know what to do anymore...
i never have a hard time just saying
"Hey fuck off im done with you."
but i cant...and i dont know why.

i love him
i really do
i am happy for once, truely
i just dont want him to leave in september
seeing him every other weekend i know wont be enough
i just dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore
i lose sleep over it, 4 years seems like such a long time
and i cant lose him now
but i seem to be pushing him away so i dont hurt when he leaves
hes my best friend, my everything.
i will not let him go, no matter what.
Am i being selfish or is this pain normal?
I never thought i would plan my life around one person
to be so dependent on him, is never what i wanted
but now im scared when he is not by my side cuz i know he needs me
i might move to milwaukee after i get my associates degree or my RN liscense.
i honestly want to be with him the rest of my life
more than i ever wanted to be with another
some say im too young to feel this way
but i need him as much as he needs me, he never left
most of you did, he comforted me when he was all i had
everyone saw him longing for me when i was blind to it
honestly i knew but i didnt want to change him
i didnt want him to become as heartless, as cold as me.
hes the sweetest person i have ever met
i shouldn't feel this pain, but hes a part of me now and i dont want to let go ever again.

im so bored and so awake its scary...

i took the van at like 2am-3:30am and picked up maggie and got shock wave coffee with tons of sugar from speedway. I thrive on adventure and the possibility of getting caught, its such a thrill a little awakening to this boring suburbian life.

i've been not caring about anything lately, getting caught doing illegal things, eating, trying to quit smoking, or people's feelings. I'll admit it im being a bitch and taking it out on the wrong people. I always do.

within the past 6 months 4 people have died. 3 being family members, thats been really hard on me. (r.i.p. great aunt margie, aunt chris, etta a lady from my old church, and my great aunt gertie)

I'm single now and maybe i should stay this way for a while. I just feel more free i guess and less stressed in ways. I still have people that i can go to and vent which i always need. its just im going to be working at fmba now and i have to get another job during the summer full time. and then dreaded college...which is even more stress.

I honestly don't know if i can truely love someone anymore. Someone took that away from me a few years ago. He had my heart and broke it into so many pieces that i think some of those pieces got lost and thrown out never to be put back into place again. I'm too apathetic for my own good.

I got a new cell phone the samsung blast, a little hard to get used to since its the "qwerty" way but im getting the hang of it, anything is better than the razr.



I'm sorry i hurt you, i really am. Now i know how the other people felt when i was so clingy and never wanted to let go. I'm sorry to the people i did that too and i know that one of those people reads this...so to "you" I am also sorry, i finally know what i did wrong...

Well lets just say i havent written on here in a long time...Brandon is not the person i thought he was. I made him seem like a god in my mind and he let me down...hes a typical guy just wanting to get some....

But anyways other news, im getting my tonsils out in about 4-5 days. (March 12th) and im scared.

Also i have a current boyfriend named Vinnie. I love him to death and i honestly never want to be without him. Hes currently sleeping soundly on the couch a few feet from me and is basically being adorable. I want so badly to just go over there and jump on him but im not going to be mean. I'm typing so much stuff on here and other sites im suprised he hasnt woken up actually. But yes i am very happy, happier than i thought i actually could be. He is amazing and super sweet and kind. And I knew of him before and all i heard was good things so i know im not going to get hurt which i love. But i think im going to go wake him soon.

I'm falling again...

I'm so happy about Brandon being in my life. And i really wish i could see him everyday but i cant. One day when me and him both have cars or whatever everything will be better. He's getting a job in about a month and hes getting a car from his exstepdad then he'll be able to come see me. And im getting my car in about 4 months. But we are perfect together is what my one friend said we are almost exactly alike. so thats awesome. and oh im in photography now so im going to have to scan my pics and stuff were doing a lot like photograms =without a camera and the pinhole camera= a box with a pin hole in it. so ya. i like them so far but we haven't really got any projects back. Also im going to be gone this weekend so i'll be back sunday night because im going to minooka to see sarah. for probably the last time in a while...*cries*